I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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