dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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