the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
