i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
