im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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