the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize