My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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