a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
