You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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