it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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