my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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