Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
