Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
