our cab driver is having phone sex.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
