the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize