She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
