Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
