tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
