I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to fling myself into the sun
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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