i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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