I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
