It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's get the cat blown out
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
