And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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