Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
