I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I will be naked everywhere
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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