My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
should my penis look like a turkey
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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