I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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