Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
