Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
