six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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