I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
