The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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