Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
