sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
