My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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