I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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