you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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