Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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