Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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