my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
