I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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