i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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