My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
