I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize