Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
