It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
