Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I want to be your penis for a week.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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