overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
