Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
