Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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