I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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