This dress was meant to end up on your floor
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
