Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
