I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
