They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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