Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
