good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
