how can u be prego again
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize