mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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