not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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