I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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